Three ways to help young children understand and manage their emotions

Many of the foundations of good mental health are built through relationships we have with caregivers in the early years of life, from birth to age five. These connections help children learn to understand themselves, regulate their emotions and relate to others. 

A good foundation provides children with the security they deserve to be loved, cared for and heard. Challenges in these early years can have implications as they grow up, as half of mental health conditions begin before the age of 14 and many of these develop in the early years (from birth to age five).¹ 

To mark Place2Be’s Children’s Mental Health Week and its theme ‘know yourself, grow yourself’, my team and I are sharing some tips to help early years staff supporting young children to make sense of their feelings with their parents or carers. 

These tips are adapted from the Sometimes Happy Sometimes Sad storybook and guide. Read Sometimes Happy, Sometimes Sad to help children understand and regulate their emotions through Jackson and Bilal’s story. 

Download the storybook

1. Understand and talk through emotions 

Sometimes it’s hard to know what’s going on inside children’s minds.  

Contrary to what we might think, a child can feel a full range of emotions. However, they might not have the language or self-understanding to be able to make sense of how they feel.  

This communication barrier can make it difficult to work out what’s wrong, let alone know how to help. 

Use language and metaphors 

When children can’t express how they’re feeling, we make considered guesses about what they’re feeling by interpreting their body language and attempts to communicate. These guesses are influenced by our own experiences. This way of relating to another through the lens of our own lives and feelings is called ‘mentalizing’. 

One way we can help children is by talking through what they might be feeling to help them pinpoint the emotion. Allow children to explain their emotions in their own words. This can help build a common language that makes sense to the child and can be used again if those feelings arise. 

Some children may find metaphors useful to help them express their feelings. Describing low mood or sadness as a ‘cloud over your head’, or anxiety as ‘butterflies in your chest’ captures the sensory experience of those feelings and may help both adult and child understand their emotions. 

2. Accept unique emotional experiences 

It’s normal for children’s moods and emotional states to change, but sometimes they might get stuck in a feeling and need some extra help.  

We often try to make others feel better because seeing someone else feeling a negative emotion can make us sad or helpless.  

However, our relationships are strengthened by accepting people both at their best and their worst. This can be challenging for adults as we might have been socialised to believe it is best to always be positive and happy. 

It’s important not to misunderstand or dismiss children’s emotions, as it can lead to them feeling isolated. Conversely, they can feel more connected when shown that others understand how they’re feeling. 

Mirror and model their emotions 

Try mirroring the child’s experience back to them through words or body language. This gives them validation and recognition without trying to change how they’re feeling, which can help them accept and cope with their distress or discomfort. This can feel strange when you first try it, so it is good to practice with another person so you experience what it is like being on the receiving end. 

Different children might also express their emotions differently. One child sitting down reading for a long period might be perfectly normal, but for another child it might indicate something isn’t right. Noticing changes in behaviour can help you work out when to reach out.

We can model emotions by sharing our own experiences, which helps to normalise feelings and make them less distressing for children. This gives them examples of how others might deal with situations they are only encountering for the first time. The more we do this, the more comfortable it feels. 

3. Soothe through the senses and the body 

Physical sensation can help us regulate our emotions and the same goes for children.  

Calming sensations that slow them down can help regulate their nervous system, making them feel safe and secure, but not all forms of soothing and regulation involve slowing down. 

It might sound counterintuitive, but movement or energetic activities like dancing and listening to music may also help children regulate and manage their emotions. This is because movement helps us release chemicals that make us feel good, whilst reducing stress hormones. 

Children might also hide their natural emotional response to conform to conventional standards – this is called masking.  

We should try not to consider behaviour we don’t recognise as ‘normal’ as inherently bad or wrong. In response to a difficult situation, some children might like moving a lot or shouting instead of being quiet or withdrawn. This is just them responding to feelings in a way that comes naturally to them – and we should make place for both movement and stillness. 

Soothe and validate their feelings 

Try using different tones of voice when speaking to the child that might help them to feel safe. Allow them to regulate through physical movement or self-soothing in a way that they find helpful.  

We can sometimes hold implicit biases towards children because of characteristics like their race, neurodivergence, or even if they remind us of someone we know. By reflecting on our own feelings, we can avoid these biases affecting the children we’re supporting, allowing them to regulate in their own way. 

We can guide children to develop different ways of managing how they feel so they know their choices will be respected. In doing this, we validate their sense of self. We can also show them we care by acknowledging their behaviour being curious about connections with how they’re feeling. 

More guidance 

Explore this topic in further depth with our Sometimes Happy, Sometimes Sad story and guide. Created by Anna Freud and Laura Henry-Allain MBE, it helps educators, parents and carers have important discussions about mental health with young children.  

You can also join other Early Years professionals in our Early Years in Mind Network. Get access to free, practical resources for supporting children in the early years and their families, plus a termly newsletter sharing the latest evidence-based guidance. 

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Find ways to get involved in this year’s Children’s Mental Health Week to help children, young people and adults embrace self-awareness about their emotions. 

And finally, it’s important to remember that ‘know yourself, grow yourself’ also matters to parents, carers, educators and early years staff. We need to be conscious of our own emotions and care for our own wellbeing if we’re to effectively support young children.

Read our tips for educators to learn more. 

¹ Kessler RC, Berglund P, Demler O, Jin R, Merikangas KR, Walters EE. (2005). Lifetime Prevalence and Age-of-Onset Distributions of DSM-IV Disorders in the National Comorbidity Survey Replication. Archives of General Psychiatry, 62 (6) pp. 593-602. doi:10.1001/archpsyc.62.6.593.